She's done it again.

Who? Martha Stewart, who else? Once again Martha has ruined the Dove chocolate wrappers. What's my fascination with Dove chocolate wrappers? I blame the professor that I was a G.A. for in Grad school. Don't get me wrong, she was one of my favorite people and professors, but she was a horrible influence when it came to chocolate. :-) Which is not necessarily a bad thing. Periodically (who am I kidding? weekly) she would bring in bags of the Dove caramel chocolates and we would line the back of the office door with the wrappers.

So this is why I have a fascination with Dove candy wrappers, and why I take it so personally when the phrases go downhill. Back to Martha. It took me a while to amass some of her "Valentine's Day" collection of phrases, but here is what I have thus far:

1. Use a heart-shaped punch to create Valentine cards.

- Yeah... cause I keep my heart-shaped punch handy just for things like this.

2. Rewrap a store bought chocolate bar with a love note.

- Ok, I'll admit it, this is a good idea, but you know that if Martha was doing it she would have vintage paper with hearts on it that would be "just right" for this kind of a project. Then she'd show off her calligraphy skills, which in turn pisses me off.

3. For a Valentine card photocopy a rose between sheets of acetate.

- I am so glad I have all of those sheets of acetate hanging around, I keep them with my heart punch.

4. Try wrapping a floral bouquet in a classic love poem.

- I don't know about you, but I think Martha is issuing us a challenge here. Just read it again, she is daring us to wrap a floral bouquet in a classic love poem because she knows the following.

a) We don't know what size paper to use, which will take time for us to perfect, because I know that an 8 x 10 sheet of paper will not actually fit around a bouquet. Don't ask me how I know, I just do.

b) What kind of paper should you use? I mean it has to be strong enough to not break apart once damp flowers (we don't want them dead) are placed in it. etc.

5. wait for it... this one is one of my favorites.

Use the cut end of a head of radicchio to form a rose stamp.

- Riiiight. Umm...I can't tell you the last time I saw fresh radicchio in my grocery store. Perhaps it's just not in season? But I bet that the bagged stuff won't make as good of a rose. We can't all grow radicchio on our ridiculous estate like you Martha.

6. Create a heart using two pats of your own ink-stained finger.

- Yep, you all should expect a 2"x2" card in the mail with a heart made out of my finger prints. Oh wait... no you shouldn't, I'm not Martha. :-)

So to all of you who are preparing to enjoy the long Valentine weekend, have fun. To all of you who do not have plans for this weekend...I bet the bars have pretty good two for one deals. :-)

Is it really a good thing?

The Holidays are upon us, bringing us packed parking lots, screaming children and way too many get togethers with people we enjoy not having to see the rest of the year. However, this is not a gripe about the holiday kind of post, in spite of all the craziness I actually enjoy the holidays. It is the one time of the year that I get to see my sister with any regularity, and lots of friends that I don't get too see to often I get to see now.

The purpose of this post is to explain my problem with one thing, one person, one woman in particular.... who???.... who else, Martha Stewart. I started my friendship with Martha Stewart at a young age, I was that girl that really did want to make pies from scratch, etc. One year when I was about 13 all I wanted for Christmas was a stand mixer and some other baking accessories. When K-Mart started carrying Martha Stewart items I was in heaven, I too could own all of the many items that she used to make her house and projects perfect.

My parents never minded because I would end up reorganizing their linen closets, pantry, etc following the "rules" set forth by Martha. However, overtime our friendship became strained. It started with small things, you know me not thinking that hand washing a sweater utilizing 3 sinks and about 10 towels was worth it. Then I started to find some of her craft ideas either unattainable for me or flat out ridiculous. As the years passed I started to realize that Martha was evil. She presented a view of life that was completely impossible for the normal person, and yet she mocked us for not attaining it.

Our final falling out occurred when she went to Camp Cupcake. I can't say I care about why she was in jail, but I enjoyed having a real reason to not like her.

I have managed to keep my Martha annoyance to a minimum and avoid her. I find her daughter's new show hilarious and watch "Whatever Martha" whenever I come across it. I have to admit I probably wouldn't mind the person, but I do mind the brand that is Martha Stewart.

Sadly all of my tactics that I have in place to avoid Ms. Stewart cannot safeguard me forever. The other night I ate a dove chocolate and was eagerly waiting to see what kind of wisdom the Dove promises would impart on me (for those of you that don't know, Dove promises are little sayings on the inside of the wrapper) when I saw the following:
"Turn old toys into nostalgic ornaments. Martha Stewart" WHAT???

What on Earth were the good people at Dove chocolates thinking when they decided to use Martha Stewart as the Promise writer for the holidays?? Obviously they weren't thinking too clearly. When the holidays come women typically resort to the Dove chocolates when they have hit their limit. This typically occurs on the night when the presents have to be wrapped following a day of shopping for last minute gifts all while mentally preparing for all the things to come the following day. This is when someone will reach for the chocolate, when their Christmas is spiraling out of control, and WHO is going to comfort them??? Martha? Nope, she is going to taunt them. Why didn't they think to grab Timmy's old radio flyer and tie it to the tree? That's what Martha would do.

So yes, Martha is back on my naughty list. Not so much for me, but for the wellbeing of all people everywhere this holiday season. :-)